This is one of those days where I just feel like running away. However, upon deeper reflection I ask myself, “what exactly am I running away from?” And the answer is myself. Unfortunately that is one thing I cannot escape from. I am stuck in this awful place, surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things, unaffected by them.

Last night I had a bad dream that my mother died. The worst part about the dream is that a week or so before her death, I had thought about telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Finding out that she died, in the dream, I was grief stricken and regretful that I hadn’t told her my feelings. Today I think I will.

One Night I Married The Moon

He was in full bloom, radiantly sparkling. In his splendor I revealed all of my secrets. We talked for hours. He listened and smiled. He didn’t speak words, but sent understanding in a way as mystical as the stars around him. The clouds listened, snickered and teased. Then gazing into one another I said, “Will you marry me?” In the presence of the night we exchanged vows, then danced until the sun came up. I bid him sweet dreams and he slipped out of sight. Occasionally I’ll look up and see him watching over me. He knows that I care, and that I hope he loves me.

Lying in my darkened room, there is a lonely man walking his dog outside my window. I know he is there because I hear the faint sound of the dog’s chain scraping the concrete every step they take. It is the lightest, loneliest sound you would ever heard. Of a past, loving a wife- dead for a year now- yet it seems as though you saw her just yesterday. I understand why he only walks the dog at night.

It must be real…
The joy and comfort I
feel when we’re together,
The sadness I feel when we depart.
It’s not something that can be
controlled,
Or I would.

To Mr. & Mrs. Speegle ~on your wedding day

When two people that hardly know each other fall in love together, they grow together. Throughout the years this small seed that you are planting will continue to grow. The flowers on the tree will blossom and fade, but they return again in the spring. Ups and downs are inevitable- you’ll do fine. Just remember to water your tree.

~December, 1994

Feeling all emotions at once, she lay
in ecstasy and pain; a physical
state of extreme existance. For
one moment she understood all, and
in the next it was
taken by death.

On the Brink of Madness and
Suicide, I sit
Awaiting the tide
Consuming or cleansing
my tattered Shell

Obesity caused the bones
in her legs to break as
she stepped into the light
for the first time in seven
years.

Where’s all the ambition
belief, strength & will
power that used to
live in this shell?
Has it left with Childhood
or have drugs
stolen them from me?

Or was it the betrayel
of others that
raped my
precious bones?

You. I barely had the chance to get to know you. I never will. I can ask, but I’ll only get secondary information. I wasn’t even an adult yet- and you left me. You left me before, in another way; but nowhere near as permanently. Did you leave bits and pieces behind? Distributed among those you loved- and one you had not even seen yet? I’d like to think you did- so that you live on, not only in memory, but also in a “spiritual” way.

What does it mean? ~A conscious Dream

A child’s face appeared, she was sleeping under a brown fur blanket. The child was me. I tried to look at me form her view, but she wouldn’t let me. I asked “What then?” Let her go a voice whispered- over and over- “Let her go.” So I awoke the child, not through touch. She opened her eyes, got up- in her pink nightgown- started to walk away, she turned and waved good-bye, then kept on walking. The fur remained, was I to hide under it then? No, a dark haired woman with a gold medieval crown on her head snatched it from me. Was this another version of me? She twirled the blanket like a matador waves his cape at a bull. On her final spin it became a fur coat, which slipped into gracefully. Motioned with her forefinger to follow, I did. Towards whiteness- trees, with snow on the ground- no, they were doors, not a real landscape. She opened them and motioned for me to enter. I stepped into blackness and fell; seeing her get smaller at the dwindling light above. I wasn’t falling, I was swimming- through the blackness. For some time I saw nothing. An eel swam by. Then a butterfly fell and turned into a leaf- no a drawing of a butterfly. I was in the woods, in the fall, with leaves all over the ground. A man walked up and kissed me on the forehead. We walk through the woods. A bird landed on his arm. Suddenly it was winter- snow covered the leaves. We were sitting around a fire. There were anonymous people with us. Night creeped in, but he and I weren’t cold. The care felt between us was warmer than the fire itself. A small bug, resembling an airplane flew by. I was on it, flying over snow covered mountains. It wasn’t a bug, it was a dragon. I slipped around her neck, but she held me with her powerful arms; close to her pregnant belly. I jumped off to a cliff, watched her fly home, then turned to leave. I slid down the cliff, which turned into a long spiral slide. The spiral became part of an old man’s cane. Is he a wizard? A wise man, with his long white beard? He smiles at me with a warm and playful grin. The beard becomes a crescent moon. It swings into a hammock and starts rocking back and forth. Arms folded behind its head, it winks and says
“Goodnight.”

If you don’t believe in your dreams,
You can’t believe in anything.

12.08.00 “Tea” - Well, so much for updating this everyday huh? I just didn’t think it’d be worth it for the two people that actually check the site. Anyway, my latest realization is that tea is the best drink ever. The reason that it is the best is quite simple, you can drink it hot or cold, or in between at room temperature and it tastes good.

Response-

I agree, tea is a very delightful drink, it can be hot anytime of
the year and cold any time of the year. You can drink it in the morning, in the afternoon, or evening, you can drink it on the go or in jammies, or in a suit or dress, it can be relaxed, it can be formal, it is multi-cultural, it is healing, it is aromatic, it is comforting, it can be had as a powder, in a bag or loose, with honey sugar, cream or black And no matter how you have it, it always hits the spot!

11.16.00 “How Time Flies” - Isn’t it funny how time flies. Lately it has been brought to my attention more and more, especially now that I am done with school and working full time. I can see how easy it would be to just work go home, do nothing but eat, veg and sleep, and continue with the same thing everyday. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and say: “What have I done? What have I accomplished? - Nothing.” That is not going to be me. I have to start something or I’m going to be miserable. I suggest you do the same- no excuses.

11.13.00 “Movies Then and Now” - Two weeks ago I was watching a late night movie. It had been made in the sixties and it was a scary movie, for the time period anyway. What I noticed while watching this movie, is that things move so much faster now then they did back then. For example, in this film the main character crashed in his car with his girlfriend. The director showed him getting up, stumbling up hill, grabbing her head out of the car and then stumbling to his castle up a hill through some trees. He showed what seemed like every single step the guy took. In a film today the process would have taken all of 30 seconds. Crash, show guy laying there, show him grab the head, show him walk up to door of castle. We are used to this time cutting, we know that he had to walk from A to B, and we can safely assume that he did so. But in 1960 a viewer might have questioned- well how did he get to the castle from the car? The movie wasted so much time on useless actions that it barely developed an interesting story. But this comparison fits in with the way life has changed in general, we all lead fast paced lives and are too impatient to wait for anything anymore.

Response-

11.13.00 It is slightly ironic that you should mention these “step-by-step” scenes are a waste of time, then mention about modern society’s lack of patience.

The week leading up to Halloween one of the classic movie cable stations was doing a marathon of classic horror films, like Frankenstein, or Them! Even though they did show the “step-by-step” scenes, the movies still only timed out at approximately One hour and 15 minutes, an average 45 minutes less than today’s average movie.

You would think this trend would be reversed.

11.10.00 “Losing Inspiration” - Do you ever just lose your inspiration? End up feeling like you don’t want to do anything? Just sit there and do absolutley nothing? I feel like that right now. I don’t want to write anything for this, but I said that I would update it. So here I am writing jiberish. Oh by the way, weekends don’t count. I usually don’t go online when I’m not at work. You know, I feel as though I am only writing this for myself- I only update the site for myself. No one ever comes to this site or reads any of my goofy stuff. If so, then I don’t get any feed back (other than a few family members). This sucks. I want to go home now.

11.9.00 “Ridiculous Ballots” - I think it’s ridiculous that it has taken two days to figure out who the president is, all because Bush’s campaigners had to whine about the Florida count. If that’s the case, why don’t we recount all the states? Maybe someone else goofed up too? That’s just ridiculous. Especially when they keep switching who is in the lead. It is obviously a media ploy to toy with the general public in order to cover the scam that is taking place. Long live Gore!!

11.8.00 “Artist’s in Media” - How often does an artist make it into the media? In my opinion it is very rare, which is why I was amazed to here local-artist-gone-big, Derek Hess, on the radio this morning. (He mostly does music related art- posters, cd covers, the cover of Scene magazine and a lot more). He has a gallery opening this Saturday at Gallery 9 and I’m going to make an honest effort to go and support him, because I think artists are completely overlooked and unappreciated in our everyday life. And I dare you to prove me wrong!

11.7.00 “How are ya?” - You know what I hate? Is when someone asks me “how are ya?” Ninety percent of the time he or she doesn’t really want to know how I’m doing. It’s just a space filler for that brief, sometimes awkward, encounter. I usually say “pretty good,” an answer that requires no explanation or detail. And I know he or she isn’t concerned with my well-being, because half the time when I ask in return “how are you?” the person doesn’t even respond. What if I said “I’m depressed on the brink of suicide, lost my job, my significant other and gained 30 lbs. since last friday.” What kind of reply would I get? See, it’s just one of those unnecessary “common courtesy” things that people say. It’s so common that no one pays attention to it or takes it seriously. If you are really concerned with a person’s well being ask them “how is your day going?” or “you look happy/sad, are you having a bad/good day?” I feel that if you put a twist on the regular old saying, the person you are conversing with will realize that you actually want to know how he or she feels. But if you don’t want to know- don’t ask!

Here is some writing from my past (both my own and other authors). I found them all hand-written on notebook paper, saved for a later date. The later date is now. Listed in no particular order. - Enjoy!

If ever two people were meant to be united, then these are the two

Two minds that rhyme, beyond this pretentious planet that others walk upon
Clouds wondering above this world, softly touching, blending together time after time
The souls of two flowers, born and born again
Blossom in the warm sun
Gracefully grow old and weary
Side by side in the ancient forest
Filled with unicorns at play,
Fairies flying free,
And infinite drifting dreams

~ Nicole

Art is not painting and it’s not drawing - it’s “total effect.” It’s hitting people right between the eyes. ~ author unknown

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. ~Uri Putnan

500 years ago, I knew you. 500 years from now, I’ll still know you. ~ Nicole

A child’s mind is like a vast field of flowers,
Don’t poison it with prejudice and war,
You’ll soon find the flowers wilted and dying.
~ Nicole

You are a visionary

You started out not knowing much at all
But you processed everything that anyone ever shared with you
And you shared it back again
Until you discovered that what you know is different from anyone else in the world
You are a visionary
~ author unknown

Trouble is disguised as fun ~ Nicole

To write, or not to write
Mystical words and objects fill my head. Rainbows of color dancing round and round. Thoughts roaming in and out, here and there. Yet none of them fit together, none of them will meet. The desire is strong, but the subject is nowhere to be found. It eludes me, runs and hides. The need to put words on paper increasing, the search for reason slipping farther away. Where is it gone? How do you hunt, a cause for pen and paper? The blankness of white and blue lines, staring me down, laughing. Mocking fun, of the scrambles in my brain. Waiting, waiting not too patiently, for letters of ink to flow consistently. Painting pictures in the eyes of the reader. But I just can’t think of what to say. ~ Nicole

In a world of hatred
Violence, ignorance breeded into life
Expect to create a life?
To look upon mistakes day after day
Where we destroy what should be
Killing all innocent
Cannot flee for lack of legs
Creation from two may unite

The unity would suffocate
Fix this star of water and land
Then unity will fall into place
~ Nicole

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know
~ John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn

In this moment, the twinkling of dust falls and rises all around me. Shines with power, larger than a sky, to do what cannot be done. The moon looks curiously through stealth violet clouds, her shy little friends winking here and there. Trees of pink and red grow tall, shedding sweet berries to tempt hunger of all. A fiery lake of blue and purple flames dancing with the anxious wind. Fairy friends dart here and there with swiftness and agility. No more the size of a rose. They tickle with sound to make a smile, on a face that carries a frown. I ask them, “por favor, de yo tomas esta amor!”
~ Nicole

a fairy came to me last night. She spoke softly, so no one else would hear - her secrets of love and magic. She said she watches over me, knows my every thought and the love in my heart. Told me it was real. Warned me, not to give this love to the wrong person, not to let it be mistaken or abused. But the one person I do choose - I must give all I’ve got to give, or the magic in love won’t exist. She know I chose you. After she explained all this, she gave me a kiss and said goodnight with a smile, left me with an image of happiness - you and me.
~ Nicole

What is love. Do I have love. Have I ever really loved. Does he love me. Can love really last forever. Is it really supposed to. Who says so. Who makes up these rules - right + wrong. Why can’t it be forever. Must you have maturity to love. Does ego get in the way. Can you change your mind in a second. Can you love more than one person. Does he love me. Is it possible. Do I only feel infatuation. Is it just a pretty face. Is there a real person in there. Or is it all a show. Is the real person likeable - or a jerk. A jerk. But can I really know. I’ll never find out. His wall is tall and strong, and I’ll never get in. I need a battering ram of words. What would they be. Do those words exist. Could it last forever. No. I’ll go to college. He’ll go somewhere else. So why bother. What’s the point. We’ll part in a year anyway. But what if we wouldn’t. does he know all this. Does he know how I feel. He doesn’t know what I think. I’d like to just talk, but he doesn’t ever want to. Get into some deep thought with him. Is that possible. Can I share all these feelings. Can he handle them. Does he know - I could spend forever with him. Could he spend forever with me. Sometimes it seems like it. Sometimes he seems not to care - the next day he could brake up with me. Not a second thought. Is this all true. Am I on the right track. Is he still afraid to love, because we’d part within’ a year. Does he still wish to run away from these problems. Does he still love her. Do words go in one ear and out the other. Should I find new love. Or sit in wonder. But why bother, why bother with anything. What’s the point of life. Whatever you, yourself, make it right? Well, don’t make that point a person. It’s something you can’t control - something with a mind - that could change so easily. Beyond your control. I’m so confused. I have lost something - living for the day. I lost sight of what’s most important - my future. I must regain control, yet still have thoughts of him. But how. Inspiration - motivation. That is what I have lost. Now I found it, but what exactly was it? Was it my last love. No, please no. not possible. Could it be. How. I need help. I must be going crazy. Sure do feel like it. Get a grasp. How. Someone help me. Please. What do I do. Take a long vacation. Go to the Bahamas. Ha. Yeah right. Need a brain vacation. Think too much. Sick of thinking. How do you stop. Is it possible. Possibilities - so many. Are there? Yes.
~ Nicole

It’s not a wall - it’s a shell. I can’t break in, I could harm what’s inside. He has to break out, to me. ~ Nicole

what does it mean to be free?
to fly through the air,
or speed down the highway,
or swim naked through the warm great lake?

why do i crave it?
this freedom that i don’t have?

it consumes me

teases me
taunts
and escapes

dancing
at the edge of my finger tips,
circles around me,
laughing, poking,
it won’t let me be

i don’t want to possess it
don’t want to contain it
i just want to be part of it,
for just a moment

free